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Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

by John Gray
 
Before Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray wrote a book entitled Men, Women, and Relationships. He began that book with a story.
His father had offered a lift to a hitchhiker, who promptly robbed him before locking him in the trunk of the car. Police responded to two reports of an abandoned car, but bad directions stopped them from finding it. They made it to the car after the third call, but by then it was too late. Gray Snr. had died of heat asphyxiation in the trunk of his own car.
When coming back home for the funeral, Gray asked that he be locked in the trunk to see what it must have felt like. In the darkness he ran his fingers over the dents where his father’s fists had hammered, and put his hand through the space where the tail-light had been knocked out for air. His brother suggested that he extend his arm further, to see if maybe he couldn’t touch the hood button. He reached—and pressed it open.
Gray took the manner of his father’s death as a sign for what his work was about: liberating people by telling them about the emotional release buttons within their grasp.
 

Gray under the microscope

A good story, but do John Gray’s books in fact liberate? A feminist critique of his writing is easy to make. Websites have sprung up with titles like “A Rebuttal from Uranus” (Susan Hamson) arguing that Men Are from Mars institutionalizes sexism.
Sex-role theory, of which Gray is a prime exponent, says that men and women are by nature very different, and that gender forms the core of a person’s identity. Gray is particularly insidious, these critics say, because he never presents his views as a theory, simply saying “this is the way things are” (biological fact). His millions of readers, caught in a marketing blizzard, are blinded to the alternatives and the fact that gender roles are actually culturally conditioned. Gray’s ultimate aim— conscious or not—is to make women feel better about their subordinate place in a hegemonic masculine culture.
 

Men Are from Mars in brief

Before taking sides, we must first describe the book. What are Gray’s main points?
 
  • The golden key to better relationships is the acceptance of differences. In our parents’ day everyone accepted that men and women were different, but the culture changed to the other extreme of there being no differences.
  • A woman aims to improve a man, but a man only wants acceptance. Her unsolicited advice is never welcomed, being interpreted as negative criticism. Rather than presenting a problem to a man, which is often taken to mean that he is the problem, a man should be approached as if he may embody the solution. Men are focused on their competence and if they cannot solve problems they feel as if they are wasting their time. Women, on the other hand, actually like to discuss problems even without a solution in sight, because it gives them the all-important chance to express their feelings.
  • Women are like waves, rising to peaks, falling into troughs, then back up again. Men must know that the trough time is when women need men most. If he is supportive and does not try to get the woman out of the trough immediately, she feels validated. In order to be motivated a man must feel needed—but a woman must feel cherished.
  • Men alternate between the need for intimacy and the need for distance. Men’s going away into their “cave” is not a conscious decision but is instinctive. Women who don’t know about the need for the cave and seek constant intimacy will see relationship turmoil. Like a rubber band, a man needs to stretch—but will usually spring back.
  • Arguments quickly descend into hurt feelings about the way a point is being made, rather than its content. It is the uncaring sound of the point being made that is upsetting. Men do not see how much their comments hurt and provoke, because they focus on “the point.” Most arguments start because a woman expresses a worry over something and the man tells her that it is not worth worrying about. This invalidates her and she gets upset with him. He then gets mad because she seems to be getting angry at him for nothing. He will not say sorry for something he believes he has not done, so the initial argument goes into cruise control for hours or days.
  • Men will argue because they do not feel trusted, admired, or encouraged and are not spoken to with a tone of trust and acceptance. Women will argue because they are not listened to or put high on a man’s list of priorities.
 

The broader message

Gray suggests that at our time in history, we are right to expect maximum fulfillment in our romantic life. However, our bodies and brains, evolving over millennia, required the refinement of sex differences for greater survival success. (As Daniel Goleman argues in Emotional Intelligence, we are modern people walking around with brains built for the plains and the forests of distant ancestors.) To wear the bright expectation of perfect relationships, unarmed with any knowledge of the basic differences between male and female thought patterns, is naïve and unwittingly invites a saboteur aboard the loveship. Gray doesn’t focus on the nature or nurture debate. He just says that this is how men and women tend to act, and if we understand it there will be fewer relationship problems.
 

In Gray’s defense

As we noted to begin with, the criticism that often greets this book is that it increases the division between the sexes. We are, after all, in the twenty-first century—can’t we see each other simply as people and not by sex? Or skin color or nationality or anything else? And why doesn’t Gray ever write about gay relationships? He does admit that he generalizes, yet he writes as if what he is saying is fact.
These are all valid points, but they fail to see Gray’s basic intention. He wrote for an audience of people who do not read genetics or sociology textbooks—they want better relationships now. Men Are from Mars does not advance cutting-edge theories, but neither does it say that men and women are roped to the poles of their sex; we have tendencies to action that, if recognized, need no longer be our master. By highlighting sex differences, Gray may be guilty in some courts of entrenching patriarchy, but nowhere in his writing does he go so far as to say that gender determines the person. The public would not have touched the book if he had. If the goal of focusing on sex differences is, paradoxically, to move beyond them, then Gray is a liberator.
 

Final comments

There are thousands of books on relationships. What made Men Are from Mars stand out? Gray has said that he deliberately wrote Men Are from Mars in such a way that people “would not have to think.” It seems made for lunchtime television and “cheesy” probably sums up the book in many people’s eyes. Readers interested in this whole area of intersex communication who want something a little more brainy might like to read the books of linguistics expert Deborah Tannen (for example You Just Don’t Understand, That’s Not What I Meant). A page of Tannen may be more interesting than ten of Gray, but the key to Gray’s success is that his statements and analogies stick in the mind and many points involve quite subtle distinctions.
Gray’s influence in the relationship realm is a lot like Dr. Benjamin Spock’s in child rearing. Both authors’ books became the standard text to have around the house on these subjects. Spock’s ideas were blamed for producing a generation of spineless pacifists, but millions also swore by him. What verdict will eventually be passed on Men Are from Mars? Who knows, but it is clear that the book has been right for its times, and perhaps we needed to be reminded of our differences before we could move beyond them. As Emerson noted, the finest people are able to marry the two sexes in the one person. We should not get caught up in differences (gender or otherwise) if they will sidetrack our consideration and wonder at people per se.
The healthy attitude to take to Gray would be to accept some of what he says and disregard other parts. Both unquestioning embrace and outright rejection would indicate a closed mind. It is very easy to dismiss this book—but read it when you are miserable following a fight with your partner and it may come alive for you. As a simple guide to the ups and downs of living with a member of the opposite sex, it does have touches of brilliance.
 

John Gray

Born in Houston, Texas, in 1951, after high school Gray attended St. Thomas University and the University of Texas. He spent nine years as a Hindu monk, working in the Transcendental Meditation (TM) organization in Switzerland, as personal assistant to its leader, the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, and obtained a Master’s degree in eastern philosophy.
Back in the US, Gray became a doctoral student and received his PhD in Psychology and Human Sexuality from Columbia Pacific University in San Rafael, California. He is a certified family therapist.
Men Are from Mars has sold 13 million copies and remains on many bestseller lists after nine years. It was the bestselling book of the 1990s in the US. Gray has sold 14 million books in total, large numbers of audio and videotapes, and even a board game. He has been a frequent guest on Oprah. Other books include Mars and Venus in Love, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, and How to Get What You Want, and Want What You Have: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Personal Success. Gray lives with his wife Bonnie and three daughters in Northern California.
Secrets of Happiness >Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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